So, I made that previous post where the lovers are deceptive, predatory alien mantises, but I also made this one:
See? I'm ambivalent. I have a thing going on which is going really well so far, but it's still early and I've really been burned before.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
For most of my life I've been really careful not to want anything, and not to ask for things. I thought that if I kept quiet except for the very most important things, the people in my life would notice the exceptional change in behavior and really pay attention.
Actually what I did was teach people that my needs were simply not important. If you're like me you're especially vulnerable to unreasonable demands of
It starts with a relatively minor and acceptable power difference. This person is your teacher, your boss, your parent, someone you happen to be in love with, or they may happen to be your only friend. This is someone you're a little extra prone to giving into than a random stranger. Unfortunately, they want a lot, too much.
You get used to this treatment. You get used to giving them more than you want to, to giving up more than you can stand to, and each time you do it your own feelings of self-worth shrink and you become just a tiny cowering speck. You no longer have the dignity required to draw your own boundaries and even consider whatever risk you'd need to take in order to change the situation. You probably won't ever be able to turn the tables and be powerful or hope to be treated as an equal by them.
There are still some things you can do.
Stop idealizing them. They might be more pretty, or skilled, or rich than you, but so are plenty of people who aren't total assholes. Nothing excuses them from treating other people with common decency.
Reconnect with people you've drifted away from, even if it's awkward at first. This person has really messed up your head and you need lots of help and advice just to get you back to normal, and everyone loves giving advice. Even if you don't believe other's advice yet, go ahead and collect it.
Understand that you can survive without this person. It will be unpleasant at first and you might have no money, and no car, and no hope. But look down.
Great! This is an insurance policy that you probably don't even think about. If you have 10 pounds of fat you can live without then you have a solid month that you can potentially afford to go without a friend in the world or a bite of food to eat. Sure, that's not a desirable outcome, but you will live. Remember that you will live, and no-one is going to let that happen to you. There are plenty of good-hearted people out there, you might not have met them because you were busy cowering, but you will.
Resolve to make this situation temporary, figure out how you can pry yourself free from this situation and work on it, cultivate the attitude that this is not really who you are and you won't stay forever. Open your mind to other possibilities, even though they're all terrifying and hopeless right now.
Know the address of a place where you can crash for a few awkward days. Gather up your important documents that are hard to replace into one small organized container, if you have a car, consider keeping it in your trunk.
I wish I had better advice. It's not you, it's them. No human is less than a human.